Truth

Let me tell you a story I hope you cannot relate to! Let me tell you a story of loss and hurt and never being the same; a story of hope, healing and of truth. At seven years old, in her sparkly mermaid swimsuit, she had not a care in the world. Opening the door into the warm, summer afternoon, she pranced down to the pool. The water felt amazing and wonderful but even better was playing with her sister’s Shamu floaty, which she wasn’t supposed to be playing with! It was all great fun and her brother’s friend was also staying for the summer. Yay! more friends to play with.

Unbeknownst to her, life was about to change. You see, at seven, she could have never known that there are enemies that parade as friends, wolves in sheep’s clothing if you will. Happily watching the sun dance on her swimsuit, she was a mermaid on her trusty whale traveling the world. Lying on her floaty, the sun was suddenly blocked, thinking it might rain she got up only to realize it was her brother’s friend. Why was he so close? why was he looking at her like that? She couldn’t understand! Quicker than she could run away, he grabbed her vagina and asked her to name it. She didn’t recognize his eyes and they looked scary. She said nothing and hoped he would stop, but he didn’t. “I know what my vagina is called but I’m not telling him,” she thought. It seemed like forever before he let go and told her he was just “joking around”. It didn’t feel like joking around to her and somehow the day didn’t seem so nice anymore.

I never said a word about what happened until several years later. I was talking to a close friend and the story slipped out. Her reply: “me too!” My heart shattered into a million pieces and tears slid down my face. I was angry on behalf of her and for seven-year-old Kellie who was too little to push him away.  I wanted to kill the person who had so deeply hurt my friend. It was a first for both of us that day; neither of us had spoken of what had happened to us so many years ago. I couldn’t understand why she stayed silent, she needed to go to the police, they would listen and believe her! As I was telling her she needed to tell someone, she looked at me and said “for the same reason you haven’t said anything” It was as if the world stopped and for the first time I questioned why I hadn’t said anything? I didn’t have an answer for her that day but left with many questions spinning in my mind.

That night, sleep was nowhere to be found. Why had I never spoken up? Why did I never call him out? Why was he allowed to get away with this but I had to live with the consequences?  Would anyone believe me? Why didn’t I say anything if it really was a big deal? Did I make this up? I felt like my brain was about to explode. It took me a week to tell my family and they were shocked. I don’t think they thought it was possible for a seven-year-old homeschooled kid to be sexually assaulted in their home. They were very upset and were furious about what I’d gone through. They asked me if I wanted to talk to his family but I told them I would when I was ready to do so.

That was three years ago, and since then I thought about messaging him so many time. I friended him on Facebook a few months back, and since have numerous drafts waiting to be sent to him. For some reason, I could not find the words. I thought it would be easy to message him and tell him what a crappy person he is. I wanted to write and tell him that he was not getting away with this! I wanted to scream at him and tell him I remember, but my hands refused to write and words would not come. It was as if my mind went blank and my body froze. I can still see his cruel eyes daring me to say something, taunting me!

In sharing my story, I have heard the same thing over and over again: that happened to me as well! It makes me so angry that these things are happening daily and girls are staying silent. It was not until I tried and failed to write to him, that I finally understood why people stay silent. There are many reasons and so many different circumstances that keep us silent, but I am hopeful that as more people are sharing their stories, it opens doors for others to do the same. For when I am vulnerable, it allows others to do the same.

To: XXXX

“I’ve debated on writing you and telling you what I remember for many years, but today is the day: I am not sure how many other girls you sexually assaulted but that cycle stops now. When you grabbed my vagina, in the pool, and asked me to name it, I refused. In fact, at seven I knew what you did was very wrong and at thirteen you knew as well. My parents were just trying to help when they let you stay in our house the summer of 2003, they let you in and you took advantage of not only their kindness but of seven-year-old Kellie. Well, I remember and will not stop until I get justice. My family is aware of what happened as well as many others in my life. You are responsible for your actions at thirteen years old; those actions have consequences and those same actions are catching up with you” 

I was finally able to write and hold him accountable. It was one of the scariest things I have done and took me months to write, but it feels so good to finally be able to get that off my chest. As I have said, at the beginning of this blog post, I hope you cannot relate to this but the reality is we all have or know someone who has experienced sexual abuse. It is never okay! I know others have had to deal with sexual abuse that is 1000 times worse than what I experienced. I cannot tell you what that’s like but I do know from what I experienced that it takes courage to speak up and stand up for justice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mountaintop Versus Valley

 

I have not always been on the mountaintop, more often than not the valley is where I spend much of my time. I get really upset when I feel I should already have moved on from the valley, almost a one step forward two back kind of thing. I have such high expectations for myself that sometimes I forget I am human and will make mistakes. In my imperfection, I will stumble and fall. Being human allows me to connect with others and be relatable. My biggest “flaw” I will turn into my biggest strength. In the same breath, I have a hard time connecting with those who pretend their life is totally together. Everyone can see it a million miles away. If they can’t be honest with themselves, then they won’t be honest with me.

Having tried to take the task of being perfect on, has left me exhausted! Behind my mask of perfection, I forgot what it means to be real. I could only see the world from the perspective of perfection. Nice and pleasing at first, Perfection morphs into a cruel master, long hours and no pay, with weekly bonuses of pain and misery. In our ignorance, we blindly accept the terms given without bothering to read the fine print. Having lived this way for all of my life I was not aware there was another way. The truth had been right before my eyes but I was blind to it.

I am here to tell you there is a better way, one that offers rest and peace. Escape the Valley of Perfection and the town of Superiority to Mt. Authenticity via Excellence Way. The Valley of Perfection is a place that leads only to the dead-end town of Superiority. Superiority has the biggest, most hypnotic light show and entertainment I have ever seen but before you know it you’ve been there for ten years. Perfection steals your most valuable resource: time and unapologetically does so. It is crowded in Superiority but the view is so much better on Mt. Authenticity. Join me where the air is clear and refreshing. I know the Valley of Perfection has taken you time, money and energy leaving you empty desperate for happiness. Leave the Valley of Perfect and don’t even put your two weeks in, they have already had enough of your time!

It may be scary to leave the Valley of Perfection after all this had been your hometown for many years but no more. Those people are not your family, only toxic actors hellbent on seeing you become like them. Their smooth talk will only get them so far and the truth will cut through their lie like soap on grease. They have given up on their truth and are furious you have not. The pursuit of perfection leads to the depths of Shame but the path of excellence leads to Mt. Authenticity. Excellence Way is hard and often times empty when you do see people they are slumbering unaware that they are wilting. Blaze Excellence path and own it, your highest-self requires it.

Mt. Authenticity doesn’t seem as impossible from the top only from the perspective of the valley. Unless you change your perspective, you will never take action; and unless you go through the valley you will stay complacent, content to wither away. Pain or the threat of pain acts as a catalyst requires fight or flight action. At some point, we will have to make the choice to kill or be killed. Your inaction will so be your downfall. Life will continue to send us through the valley until we are strong enough to travel through! I don’t know about you, but I have not been guaranteed another day or even another hour in this life. I refuse to waste another minute in the Valley of Perfection. Free entry, rest, and fabulous entertainment are advertised but what they don’t tell you is you must give your time. What an expensive trade-off for a cheap thrill and prize.

Radical Love set the intention of love as truth and spoke it over you long before you ever believed it. She cared for you and walked beside you on the darkest of nights. She saw you partying your life away in the Valley of Perfection and spoke of a freedom. She leads the way, calls you to be more, and pushes you to be amazing beyond your wildest dreams. She empowers you and with full confidence sends you on your way. She is not vindictive nor does she withhold her guidance. She does not have an unrealistic set of rule and cruel punishments. She is forgiving and all-inclusive. She, however, is intolerant of ignorance and hate seeing that injustice is taken care of.

She has changed my life! I am able to blaze my trail with passion and confidence. She replaced shame and apathy with grateful boldness. I refuse to apologize for my truth and boldly speak with confidence. Part of my journey out and up Mt. Authenticity was not living in fear anymore. I was scared of not writing perfectly (if that’s a thing). I lived in fear of telling others and being made fun of. I didn’t think I could write or even had enough to say. I just couldn’t believe my opinions and beliefs were enough to warrant a book. Yet as I have followed Excellence Way, I find myself following my true passion: people and helping women and girls. I put it off “knowing” that it just couldn’t be my calling, but no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, the noisier the call became until it was defining. I couldn’t eat or sleep almost like a gravitational pull. Happiness seemed just out of my grasp, that is until I said yes to my call. You see, unless I speak my authentic truth I do everyone a disservice. Living small is a waste of my potential and honestly a slap in the face. I choose to say to Radical Love and own my truth.

How about you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is Radical Love?

 

A guide to change your life through loving yourself first, people second and the planet and animals third. Radical Love seeks to change the way you view yourself and breaks the chains of low self-worth, negative self-talk, and destructive habits while rebuilding happiness, joy, and peace within. Radical Love encourages high standards in all areas of life and deep passions for what truly makes your heart sing. By creating a like-minded community, we offer support for a life lived on one’s own terms and space for new trails to be blazed. We believe life is to be lived well and with such a zeal for Eudaimonia that none should stand in the way! We ask that you come just as you are. We are not impressed by the car you drive, the house you reside in or the clothes you wear. We, however, choose to place value on a virtuous life, others and the environment with the items we buy or don’t buy, foods we eat, and things we do. We choose to live an intentional life only engaging in behaviors and activities that align with our highest self.

Welcome to Radical Love

My name is Kellie Scobee and at twenty-two, this is the story of how Radical Love found me. I was the girl who lived in fear terrified of not being good enough, or people seeing the real me. I was scared to speak up for myself and let others walk all over me. I continually chose to live small because who was I to live my dream life? I told myself I was nothing and my actions and behaviors back it up. I was mean to myself with complete disregard for my own feelings. I found myself in a cycle of anger and hate trapped with my world spinning so far out of control. I wanted to die and but was too chicken to actually do it. I wanted to start over but every time I tried nothing changed. I would return to my old ways furious for giving up so easily. I wanted to run away from all my problems but, as life would have it, I couldn’t. I felt like this big phony fake that was more dead than alive. So, I decided as most of us do to ignore the problem and maybe, just maybe it would go away and I would feel normal again. I was wrong and it came back with such a vengeance choking the life out of me. I was sure this would be the end of me. I didn’t care if I was alive or dead as long as the pain would stop. I was so mad that no one else was dealing with the things that I had to deal with. It didn’t seem fair that everyone’s life was perfect and here I was on the floor at 2 AM sobbing my heart out.

I was truly sick at that time but didn’t realize the extent of the damage I was inflicting on myself. My physical body had manifested the emotional sickness I had pushed down for so long. On the outside, I looked pretty normal, I was going to school full time and waiting tables part-time but on the inside, I was a complete disaster. I was not grounded and as a result, I was floating aimlessly in the sea battered by every storm I encountered. Trust me when I tell you I was talking on water, not just a trickle, but an ocean of water. I was trying to bail but one bucket has no effect against an avalanche of water. As my boat began to sink, on the floor that night, I was prepared to die. I had reached my breaking point and hit absolute rock bottom.

The thing about being at rock bottom is it forces you to look up, you have no other choice and for the first time in two years, I did! It was then I saw a rescue boat, far away but it was there! “I could’ve used that a long time ago,” I thought but there was nothing I could do but fight the current until the boat arrived. They must have seen my S.O.S. call and responded. What I didn’t know, at the time, was that that lifeboat would save my life many times over! Oh, that beautiful ship came floating on the waves like an angel from above. That is where Radical Love found me so far from shore lost and half dead. Compassion and Love picked me up and nursed me back to health; if you ever met them, you know just how kind they are!  Mercy and Grace spared no expense on me, they honored me and treated me like a queen, no one had ever done that for me before. Joy and laughter stayed with me through the night and peace took the morning watch. I have journeyed with them for two years and it has been life-changing. Radical Love is big enough for everyone! It is all-inclusive and free for everyone with no strings attached! If they would stop to save someone like me then they will stop for you as well. Joy and Peace have been my closest companions, Happiness and Love are never far away

I want to share what I have learned and Truth has shown me so much along the way. I know I am not the only one who has hit rock bottom and is desperately looking for a way out. I am not a guru nor do I have some super secret power, I do not claim to have all the answers.  In fact, I am still on the journey but what I can tell you is: I have seen the benefits and if I would’ve known about this years ago it would’ve saved so much heartache and pain! I know that I cannot go back and change my past but I can help others so their past will not look like mine. I have been forever changed and this is just the beginning! Incredible hope and happiness are found within Radical Love. Come! Join us for you are welcome, wanted with room for everyone!